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> ...a Book and a Movie

...a Book and a Movie

...a Book and a Movie
Hi
My entire life I’ve been interviewed For the newspapers for one reason or another or while living in New Haven I was the subject of a Yale professor who would certain students in to interview me every semester for 10 years. Over that time over the time of my life people are constantly said to me that I am a book and a movie....
The circumstances of the last couple weeks make me think I should start here is maybe a blog and a movie


“...talk to him, and be kind...”

“...talk to him, and be kind...”
...I know you but can not recall your name. You once worked at Romeo’s and Caesar’s, you left to study to be an ambulance attendant. You had worked with Fran.
And you are one now.
“ ! Hey ! That’s Matthew Feiner ! Talk to him! He’s triggered!”
I heard you through all of it, “the triggered”.
“....And be kind.”
I recall you sticking your head into my emergency room bay a couple hours later… I’ll always owe you.
My attending nurse said to you “ this guys the mensch, He went into a burning building to get a friend out...”

You nodded your head and said quietly “I know.”


(Posted 7/22/2022 by admin)

“ ? Where Did you go to University....”

“ ? Where Did you go to University....”
“... Do you have a résumé with you and a headshot, I’d like to see it.”
? Do I need a résumé to be in this class?
“No, But we’d like some information about you before we put you in our show.”
? Show?
? Yeah, Where did you study improv?”
Bill Alberino, 3 period English, Daniel Hand High School...


(Posted 7/21/2022 by admin)

...Don’t watch the body cam videos

...Don’t watch the body cam videos
Don’t watch the body cam videos,
I’m serious don’t.
Yesterday while Tracy and I were watching the body cam footage from the police, the ones that had been redacted. We were trying to recreate the position the Hamden police had me in which was face down on the gurney and my right arm and hand pulled all the way over to my left side. When we went to do this the pain was so great I almost blacked out.

Today, My shoulder my neck my elbow and my wrist my head feel like the day after the assault...


(Posted 7/14/2022 by admin)

....On the bullies time frame…

....On the bullies time frame…
...When a bully has you in his sites and makes you his target, you don’t have a choice as to what time it happens. And for that matter you don’t have a choice of where it happens. Often public often at an inconvenient time. Bullies give you no choice. They gave me no choice of time or place, and they don’t care who’s watching.
So as I talk about this publicly and at my time convenience here on my blog and then post it to Twitter and Facebook. It’s the same thing a bully did to me, publicly beat me up publicly embarrassed me… On and on and on.

So no I don’t understand it when people come to me and ask me why I’m Airing my grievances on social media.


(Posted 7/10/2022 by admin)

Stymied...

Stymied...
... I was a child traumatized by a broken femur and a dog bite to the face before I was five. I was traumatized. It was the 60s they didn’t deal with me at psychologically/emotionally.. I was already undone by the time the relentless teasing began.”Stop slapping yourself!” Pinches on your back on long car rides, making me cry.
“You little girl”, “crybaby crybaby “, “ You ratted me out to mom and dad know you’ll pay… “, “You’re never gonna amount to anything “. On and on you know the banter you know the words. So no I don’t have really great self-esteem because it was beaten out of me at an early age. I’ve barely scraped by. I became the monster you made me for a couple years and I had to move back here from Austin Texas to make apologies to people. People I had wronged , people who I had treated inappropriately.
I’ve done all mine. And I’ve gotten a handful back.
Now I sit here trying to own everything I’ve done trying to believe in everything I’ve become trying to believe the difference I have made.
But there’s a big part of me that just sees it no other way than failure....


(Posted 6/28/2022 by admin)

My dad just liked beer...

My dad just liked beer...
...It was my birthday, one of the round numbers, one of the ones that mean something I forget which one. My sister Katherine and her husband and my sister Elizabeth took me out to dinner at Bentara for said birthday. My birthday is December 1, and it was quite warm for December. As we sat waiting for our appetizers and drinks at our table, I Made a call moment about the warm weather and thanked “global warming”. To which my sister Kathy immediately reply “! there’s no such thing as global warming that’s just propaganda!!! “.
Silence.
Utter silence. Everyone in the restaurant. Silence. Luckily our drinks arrived at that moment and broke the moment, thank God. I waited till the right moment and reply back to my sister,
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say “global warming”, I meant to say “climate change”....


(Posted 6/26/2022 by admin)

My dad just liked beer...

...It was my birthday, one of the round numbers, one of the ones that mean something I forget which one. My sister Catherine and her husband and my sister Elizabeth took me out to dinner at Sentara, four said birthday. My birthday is December 1, and it was quite warm for December. As we sat waiting for our appetizers and drinks at Bendt Tara I Made It, and about the warm weather and think global warming. To which my sister Kathy immediate Lee reply “there’s no such thing as global warming that’s just propaganda!!! “.
Silence.
Utter silence. Everyone in the restaurant. Silence. Luckily our drinks arrived at that moment and kind of broke the moment, thank God. I waited till the right moment and reply back to my sister, “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to say global warming I meant to say climate change “…


(Posted 6/26/2022 by admin)

Dead Letter Office...

Dead Letter Office...
...I haven’t been here in a while. The book and a movie thing catching up with me.
My mother passed last November, not that I recall. We held her memorial services over the last weekend one where we grew up and one where she was born. My mother was a great woman a great mother and a great person and in the end a really great housemate. I got to spend eight months with my mom just me and her hanging out being housemates. As stressful as it was it was well worth it I got to learn a lot about my mother and growing upIn Rhode Island back in the 20s and 30s and 40s and into the 50s…
Her memorials were very well attended, as she was such a funny witty and considerate person that she was.


(Posted 6/25/2022 by admin)

Yale is a bunch of thieves…

Yale is a bunch of thieves…
Five years ago I had a housemate, well I had two housemates on Orange Street both by the name of Christian.
Christian and Cristian one with an H and one without we called each other Capo. Christian from Argentina Cabo was a grad student at Yale and the nicest man in the world. One day I came home to find him crying hysterically in the kitchen and it took about three hours before he could say anything. His department professor Had asked to proofread Christian’s paper for him to look for errors in the English language. The Professor of the department would then steal the paper and publish it under his own name. Christian went to the head of the department and that old time bastard told him “that’ll teach you “…


(Posted 5/19/2022 by admin)

Triggers...

Triggers...
... Everywhere. Everything. Sound, light, changes in air pressure, chemical smells. New Haven is a huge trigger for me. I’ve lived here so long, how could it not be? I’ve had so many fucked up things happen here, how could it not be?

? What’s a boy to do?


(Posted 5/6/2022 by admin)

Don’t take what is it yours.

Don’t take what is it yours.
....Like I said in “tales from your local bike shop” I’m not very positive right now and I don’t have a lot of positive things to say about anything. I’m tired of people taking things that aren’t theirs or taken credit for when it wasn’t theirs to begin with… New Haven,Connecticut seems to be the heart of that, or is it just the fact that I live here. And the fact that Yale’s in town.

(Posted 5/3/2022 by admin)

I Told You All So.

I Told You All So.
... That’s for all the doctors from the emergency room all the way to the repeated doctors appointment at Yale for the last year in two months. They’ve been telling me there’s nothing wrong with my shoulder and there’s nothing wrong with my head, or further wrong with my head. I just spent the last two days in doctors offices having them apologize for not taking me or my situation as seriously as they Should have…
....I’m just gonna sit here with my head in my tiny hands for a little while...


(Posted 4/25/2022 by admin)

Crisis intervention

Crisis intervention
... Two February’s ago I had a physical crisis, a seizure and Tracy called the Hamden ambulance.
When the ambulance arrived I was more than they could deal with, but they didn’t call a crisis intervention team or squad department they called for the police. Four policemen showed up and little old me was more than They could handle, so did they call for a crisis intervention team or squad or department, no. They called for back up, more police. The whole nine of them, nine police officers beat the living fuck out of me and then knocked me out with some sort of drug. Did they call a crisis intervention team at this point now they just threw me in the back of a fucking ambulance and thenThrew me into the emergency room…

No “charges” were pressed.
I have increased Trauma to my brain, a Torn Shoulder?? Damage to the
Tendons of my wrists and Ankle....


(Posted 4/15/2022 by admin)

...remain the faker.

...remain the faker.
... I really don’t have much of anything to say today at all. I’m fiercely depressed and tremendously under slept.

(Posted 4/9/2022 by admin)

Bad Days...

Bad Days...
.... These are hard. These are difficult. These are huge mountains in vast Caverns of days.
I want my shoulder fixed, I have little faith in the doctors.


(Posted 4/5/2022 by admin)

Lack of evidence to support the claim.

Lack of evidence to support the claim.
...He said that I was a priest or something like that and had been kicked out of Divinity school down in Austin. I thought that was pretty funny, Me a priest, like my dad wanted. Even spout off other incorrectness’ About me. It was during a time in my life where I didn’t talk a lot. So I just stood there staring…

(Posted 3/29/2022 by admin)

...the very clothes you wear.

...the very clothes you wear.
...is where my torment began, daily. Seams, Creases or just fabric texture.
Every piece of clothes Socks, underwear, pants, shirts, T-shirts, gloves, hats name it...


(Posted 3/25/2022 by admin)

...my Station.

...my Station.
This is my station. This is right where you said I’d be. Right where everybody said I’d be. In report cards, in parent meetings with teachers, and test scores and in social interactions there it was, where I was going to be, defined. I was going to fail, I was told it over and over. So many different ways from third grade all the way till 11th grade. Anger, I was told my anger was gonna get me in trouble, and that I was gonna fail because I was dumb…


(Posted 3/21/2022 by admin)

...name dropper

...name dropper
...Sorrow wants to learn your name,
And if sorrow does, it finds you,
In bed
In church
In the woods
Drops you to one
Knee, sobbing
In the frozen food isle....


(Posted 3/19/2022 by admin)

...”Suspicious man lurking “

...”Suspicious man lurking “
... Strangers racing and Company were in town doing a stage race to the bike Messenger world championships in Washington DC. They were all here for the weekend and we were hosting an alley cat on Saturday night. I was one of the stations in Woosterr Square and as I stood there waiting for the riders to come through a New Haven police officer circled the block three times parked and then came over to me. He recognized me right away as being from the Devils gear and we stood there chatting. And then he said out loud “oh, you’re suspicious man lurking”....

(Posted 3/11/2022 by admin)

...great sleep.

...great sleep.
...Well, on the upside of all this, I’ve been sleeping OK the last couple weeks.
Some days the depression, the sorrow is unsurmountable. The world at war, the country at war with itself, so many people letting go. It’s hard not to let it add up and stack up.

David Pilot, we were suppose to make something “amazing” together.


(Posted 3/8/2022 by admin)

Latest And Greatest...

Latest And Greatest...
...The last two treatments were. The ketamine was for treatment resistant depression, Trans cranial magnetic therapy was for treatment resistant depression. I’m a little disappointed that neither one of them helped at all. How can I not be…

(Posted 3/6/2022 by admin)

High School Biology Paper Final...

High School Biology Paper Final...
...yes, I wrote a paper on the uses of
LSD for depression. My MidTerm paper had been about
The uses of THC and other cannabinoids for medical purposes.
Oh, the irony.
I’m 18 days into a Guided Psilocybin Micro Dose Depression Treatment...


(Posted 2/28/2022 by admin)

...self De-Esteemed.

...self  De-Esteemed.
...It’s February 20 something feels like Friday in October. I haven’t slept very well in the last couple days, so I’m very tired and edgy.? Do you know what the first things to go when a child is bullied…

(Posted 2/27/2022 by admin)

...Answering honestly.

...Answering honestly.
...or the process will not help.
She froze at her keyboard. The intake nurse recording my vitals and asking various questions.
“? Do you currently have any suicidal thoughts?”, To which I answered yes.
She froze so perfectly at the keyboard staring at the monitor that I had the opportunity to count to 10 and then ask
“? Are you OK.....”


(Posted 2/26/2022 by admin)

The Eyes Have It...

The Eyes Have It...
...This morning I want to write a letter to my friend Andre out in Los Angeles and my eyes suddenly decided it was easier to write this way...

(Posted 2/24/2022 by admin)

...Let It begin.

...Let It begin.
....Well I’m off to my first Botox treatment for my migraines. I’ll let you know how it goes. I uploaded a picture of my wall just in case my memory goes funnier....

(Posted 2/22/2022 by admin)

...I forget.

"I won't be content
until I know which way you went.“


(Posted 2/16/2022 by admin)

...Jamestown Bridge.

...Jamestown Bridge.
... I was dreaming. And I knew. Everything was too perfect. I was in the backseat of a convertible looking up at the blue sky, big white clouds moving in unpredictable manners. My mother was driving, young confident and beautiful. My father was in the passenger seat young strong and relaxed. We were driving up the Jamestown bridge The old one really steep. We were talking about how beautiful and strange the new clouds were and then I woke up....

(Posted 2/13/2022 by admin)

...Didn’t read the second page.

...Didn’t read the second page.
...There it is.
... She squeaked audibly and jumped backwards dropping her little pen light. Her eyes popped open her face was nothing but startle.
I asked “?what’s wrong? “.
She shook her head blinking her eyes
trying to process what she saw.
“! Your eyes dilated when I flashed the light into them...”


(Posted 2/8/2022 by admin)

...stop developing

...stop developing
...The human brain stops developing when that brain is introduced to alcohol. The younger the age the greater the damage. The harder the drug the greater the damage. Without drugs and alcohol the brain stops growing at 21 and matures.
Can the liquor industries be charged with creating a drug that fixes the brains of people who drank before their brains were finished developing?


(Posted 2/7/2022 by admin)

...The monster they made me.

...The monster they made me.
... I was tired of being beat up. I was tired of being picked on. I was tired of Being made fun of. I was tired of being the butt of everybody’s joke.
When The monster took over, no one knew what to do. So they shot the monster full of Trilafon,Mellaril and Artane...



(Posted 2/6/2022 by admin)

...and now what? Really ?

...and now what? Really ?
... So this is where I am? People and doctors have recommended for years that I try medication for my depression. After 20 years of searching for something that works I was finally turned over to treatment resistant depression medication.

The first run was at ketamine. Dark ,very, very dark treatment , more on that later...

The second I just finished up was trans cranial magnetic therapy.
It’s a long treatment of 36 days in a row for 15 minutes…

So I’m sitting here in my treehouse very disappointed that neither of these specific treatments worked…


(Posted 2/5/2022 by admin)

....a fight ? In a Art Gallery?

....a fight ? In a Art Gallery?
“... A fight? In an art gallery?”
That’s what Nate Jensen said, when he called up to find out how the art exhibit had gone.
I was busy in the room I was given to build my superstructure and install my installation piece, when I heard the unmistakable sound of a fight, well it had been building up all week. An artist from California who was a jerk and had been arguing with a The Gallery Curator? all week. The curator ?being the ever patient person was trying to be accommodating. But when I walked out of my installation room that night and found that the California Artist had The curator? on the ground in a headlock…
Oh New Haven…



(Posted 2/3/2022 by admin)

Shame, shame on You...

Shame, shame on You...
...Why do so many people commit suicide? Why did your friend commit suicide? Why did your spouse commit suicide? What did your parent commit suicide?
“? Why didn’t you come to me?”
“ We didn’t know you were suffering so much”
“ ? Why......”

Seeking out psychiatric help in this country is probably one of the most streamed weaknesses you can have. That’s why people don’t come to you. That’s why I didn’t come to anybody. And when I did it was my fault. And when I did it was something I had done. And when I did it was “this never happened on my side of the family “…


(Posted 2/2/2022 by admin)

Last TCM Therapy Session...

Last TCM Therapy Session...
...Today was my last trans cranial magnetic therapy session. 36 sessions in a row, 15 minutes each session. I can’t say it didn’t work but I also can’t say it did. My mom died during this time. And I found out I have an injured shoulder, as I thought all along.
TMC Therapy is worth it. If you’ve been through all kinds of other therapies give this a try....


(Posted 2/1/2022 by admin)

!HEINA-CAN!

!HEINA-CAN!
... One of the memories that got kicked up by the event last February is a memory of summers gone by. Summers long ago when hazy hot and humid was the standard for three months. On a exceptionally hot Sunday afternoon my brother came home drunk he couldn’t have been much more than 21 or 22, but he was trashed. He had a can of beer with him. It was a green can of beer and he was looking at it laughing. He came over pounced on me and then started smacking me with the beer can. And he kept repeating “HEINA CAN !”. Heineken had just started coming in a can and he thought that was funny and creative and a reason to beat me up…
....Five days ago I saw Heineken’s new commercial I thought it was gonna be about me and my brother. The little kid in me is so optimistic....


(Posted 1/31/2022 by admin)

One Year On...

 One Year On...
...feb 2 2021. I had a seizure...
For a year I have been in a lot of pain. My shoulder.
Finally pay OUT OF POCKET for an MRI.
And....
“... uld not be managing any shoulder injury. But it does look like your MRI did show significant findings - labrum tear and biceps tendinosis. Are you ....”



(Posted 1/31/2022 by admin)

Jan 30 2022 Post Bomb Cyclone

Jan 30 2022 Post Bomb Cyclone
...The weather change, the barometric change really messes with my brain injury and aggravates me into the worst migraines. I spent this blizzard hiding out at Tracy’s.

The MRI I needed from the February 2 incident with the police and the ambulance attendance I finally got yesterday.
Paid out of pocket, even though two doctors are recommending that I have an MRI of my shoulder. It’s been very frustrating.


(Posted 1/30/2022 by admin)

Jan 25 2022...

Jan 25 2022...
....He was standing at a bus stop in New Haven. Why wouldn’t he be?
That’s where I would always see him first, back in High School.
When I moved back to New Haven I never expected him to be living here.

I was sitting in the middle of the bus, end of the day at school. I was trying to hide. Jerry sat down next to me and sort of pinned me to the wall. I was a little kid, he was a bigger kid. He put his books down in my lap, and then put his hand under his books…

? When presented with someone’s horrific truth, why is it so easy for people to believe the bully?


(Posted 1/25/2022 by admin)

Jan 24 2022

Jan 24 2022
... So I have walking pneumonia.
Well that’s what Google says.
But 10 out of 10 on your symptoms chart that can’t be good.…
I went to bed last night with Vicks vapor rub on my chest...


(Posted 1/24/2022 by admin)

Jan 22 2022...Georgia on my mind

Jan 22 2022...Georgia on my mind
...I was dreaming, we were deep in the swamps of Georgia. We were scrambling from One little island to island of trees that were spaced about 5 feet apart. My little brother and I, moving gracefully through the thickets and thorns and hopping Island Island effortlessly...
We were in pursuit of Shonto, she had escaped.
She was being more playful than anything, and just as we were about to catch her Mark and got my attention and pointed to another animal just behind Shonto...
It was a small little squirrel like animal that was moving along with Shonto whenever she moved. It was a little animal made up of vines and twigs and twisted shoots yet was a little animal...

Odd, this really happened.


(Posted 1/22/2022 by admin)

Jan 21 2022....Dream Scape

Jan 21 2022....Dream Scape
...Last night I had the most incredible dream. I was running up along the banks of a large river with my brother Mark.
We were running on the banks following a massive school of fish that we’re Swimming upstream.
Mark dove in and was effortlessly swimming with them keeping stride. I followed, powerfully swimming with the huge school of fish.
At one point we jumped up on a damn out of the water, as we did the fish became birds. They were big like swans but more muscular and very colorful and swimming like dolphins in a huge pod still moving upstream. We dove back in and followed.
Then,Of course, we looked up the river and there was a car coming towards us. The driver was sitting in the sunroof floating with the vehicle. He threw something at Mark and yelled some sort of obscene gesture. To which my brother laughed and threw him a bird, literally. The car driver got more vulgar. I stopped swimming and turned around. His car got stuck in a gyre, the red light of rivers. I swam towards his car as it spun in the gyre and every time it went around I did something else to it, first I took off its windshield wipers and it’s windows then it’s mirrors, the driver screaming the whole time. My little brother was just laughing…

...Mark and I were mauled by the same dog. The neighbors dog. We both have scars on our faces from it. They took the dog out back and shot it in the head…


(Posted 1/21/2022 by admin)

Jan 20 2022 PreBed...

Jan 20 2022 PreBed...
...A loss so great the mind bulks at attempts to measure it...

I had a seizure February 2 of last year. Tracy called 911 because I was in convulsion in her living room.
The fire ambulance first responders came in and I’m not sure what happened but they set me off.
I defended myself not knowing what was going on. I became combative and the fireman withdrew and called the police
The police came and beat the shit out of me, then they backed off and called for back up.
Then the seven of them pig piled on me and hit me with two doses of something. I woke up in the ER handcuffed to the bed...
I don’t recall any of it other than walking into Tracy‘s house that morning.
But what ever went on my head must’ve gotten hit somehow where I have absolute clarity about some absolutely traumatic events that my young mind had buried…


(Posted 1/20/2022 by admin)

Jan 20 2022

Jan 20 2022
...jello 1-2-3.
If it’s an illness I can get it, or I will get it.
Have you ever met someone that has never been sick?
.. On the other guy, the guy that always gets sick. If it’s an illness it’s happened to me if I can break it I’ve snapped it.
If it can be pushed through me scraped off of me burned off of me…


(Posted 1/20/2022 by admin)

Jan 19 2022 Again

Jan 19 2022 Again
... of the reasons I moved back here from Austin was to make apologies.
My Moral fabric on the subject of theft and ownership were very blurred.
I came back with $600 in a white envelope. It was for the owner of the
The Daily Cafe, Steve Shapiro. While I had worked there I definitely spiked my tip jar, and gave away more than my fair share of free coffee. Petty , but it was still theft, and it was from somebody I called friend.
I approached him one day with the envelope in handAnd gave it to him. He asked what it was for and I explained to him that I had been a thief in his business...
...Steve pushed the envelope back in my hands and gave me a big hug. He said just my admission was good enough and that I could use the money more than him....

Which was true.


(Posted 1/19/2022 by admin)

Jan 19 2022

Jan 19 2022
...It’s my oldest memories. Not sleeping.
I haven’t slept well since I was eight years old, because I had had so much physical and emotional trauma by then
That sleep was something my brain couldn’t do. Very anxiety ridden…


(Posted 1/19/2022 by admin)

Jan 18 2022

Jan 18 2022
? How are these little kids getting fentanyl?
...It was pretty funny. Looking back. And in the moment. That moment you realize adults might not know everything.
They weren’t yet called special Ed classes or special education. They were just this room you went to for a couple hours every day. This was at Academy Street, the teacher was Mrs. O’Rourke, she was a angel. I had been going there for a couple months in fourth grade when they wanted to have a meeting with my parents about my “speech impediment “. They arranged a meeting and my mom came in and as soon as my Mom spoke Mrs. O’Rourke chuckledto her self realizing it wasn’t a speech in pediment that I had , but I had an accent…
Mom = Newport
Dad = NYNY
Add that up....


(Posted 1/18/2022 by admin)

Jan 17 2022 Plane...

Jan 17 2022 Plane...
...We were all down in Philly or maybe it was New Jersey. But it was one of these stupidly expensive trips with the entire crew of the devils gear arranged by DK for us to go spend a weekend confirming what we already knew, we are all great mechanics. We do not need to be st a stupid tools seminar....

...At the end of the second day we were all going up on the elevator and when we got to the top floor and got out I tapped Scott on the shoulder and pointed towards the overlook with my chin. We were 14 flights up with a huge open atrium area. I had a paper airplane that I had made at dinner. I let it go and it’s circled in blue and dark dropped and dove dived and climbed and circle back around 6 times perfectly , before it landed right by the grand piano...


(Posted 1/17/2022 by admin)

Jan 17 2022

Jan 17 2022
Happy Martin Luther King day.
... Norma was my godmother. She had been my mother’s best friend. Her husband Alan was my godfather.
I couldn’t ask for two better people to be around me as a child. Norma was always very encouraging of me and comforting and caring.
Norma also warned me that I was a shining light and that would attract both good and bad people… She was very right


(Posted 1/17/2022 by admin)

Jan 15 2022

Jan 15 2022
... Did you know they’re still prosecuting the people who reported Anne Frank and her family to the Nazis?
Good, I hope they do.

This has never just been a “family issue”.
I wish it was I could toss it aside.
But it isn’t, it’s a public issue. Because if I’m in public far too often far too frequently
Someone comes up to me and wants to hold me accountable for something you did.
Or at best, they want to thank me for holding you accountable…

Right after the fumbled apology attempt at the funeral parlor, and I came back to New Haven,
New Haven, my city, I can say that, some ass clown from your high school days wanted to hold me accountable
for something you did to him.....
I directed him your way.


(Posted 1/15/2022 by admin)

Jan 14 2022 Part IIII

Jan 14 2022 Part IIII
.... I’m not perfect not by any measure. I’ll tell you more about that later...
I know you would think that I keep bringing this back up , That’s because it hasn’t been resolved.
For yourself or for me.
It was a clumsy attempt at an apology 18 some odd years ago through the copied email.
And then the hastily arranged meeting at the funeral of my Aunt on so quickly arranged in the side room. It was awkward at best
You chose to lie when you took my hand, and then I asked you a second question just to check, which you told the truth too. Because it wasn’t about abusing me. As soon as I walked out of that room I walked up and Diana shamed me flat out shamed me with a finger in my face at a funeral for my aunt. She told me I was to be held accountable for everything and that everything was my fault and had been my fault…


And well I’m not even really sure what went on with the invitation to the wedding. The saddest part of that is that I’m sorry it involves Lauren. That’s my deepest regret.

But it’s not like a nightmare that wakes me up at night like the shit you did to me does.


(Posted 1/14/2022 by admin)

Jan 14 2022 Part III

Jan 14 2022 Part III
... An apology.
It’s like several parts to be correct and for it to be For-filling and releasing for both parties.
First, there’s the confrontation if you will. “You did X to me “.
Second, if you’re lucky there’s the acknowledgment. “You’re right I did X to you”.
Great! Doesn’t always go like that. More on that later.
Third, there is the ask for forgiveness, “I’m sorry I did thatX , can you forgive me? “.
Fourth, the acceptance. “ Yes, I forgive you. “

Easy Peezy lemon squeezy.Right?

Thing is you can’t go back to doing what X was after you’ve apologized....
In any way shape or form because it sets me for one right back to zero dude.
I’ll show you a fucking drama queen...

I’m just telling the stories. And I’ve remembered them all.…


(Posted 1/14/2022 by admin)

Jan 14 2022 Part II

Jan 14 2022 Part II
... I guess you really need to understand my lack of “emotional base”. Real honest to goodness base.
When I was three I fell down a flight of stairs in Middletown Connecticut. They put me in the hospital in traction for two weeks as a baby, more on that later. And then they put me in a body cast for three months as a baby. No sooner did I come out of that but I was mauled in the face and head by a dog, our neighbors dog. More on that later.

One of my psychiatrist has said that that is so hard wired in me that it’s shocking to him that I’m as normal as I am.

My first school exposure was a year early. I’m from a big family and my older sister is only one year older then me. The school system wanted to put us both in kindergarten at the same time, but separate classes. I cried my eyes out. Chuckie came over and beat me up for being a crybaby. They took me out of school the next day.

The following year When they put me back in kindergarten it was still very traumatic. So I cried and Clayton Dana came over and beat me up for being a crybaby…

School was very difficult for me it was the early 70s…


(Posted 1/14/2022 by admin)

Jan 14 2022

Jan 14 2022
...I was stupid. That’s all I really knew. Everyone in my life kept telling me I was stupid from his early as I can remember. I get hurt, I was stupid. I’d break something, I was stupid. When I started going to school and doing poorly, I was stupid I mean they just kept telling me I was stupid all the way through school. They took away Art classes left right and center and replace them with English classes and math classes because those were the things I failed. Stupid. My guidance counselor that was no help. They should’ve seen that I liked art they should’ve seen that I liked cycling they might’ve encouraged me to take some business classes. They pretty much just told to pick up a shovel…

I guess...


(Posted 1/14/2022 by admin)

Jan 13 2022

Jan 13 2022
“... when I travel, I travel by Blue Highway, I stay in cheap cheap motels, I can’t help myself but take the clock radio in the morning when I leave…”
… I don’t sleep well. This has been my whole life, or this has been my whole life. Don’t be insulted please if I’ve stayed at your house,, I just don’t sleep well in places that I can’t controlThe points of entry. Cheap motels on back roads you have one door and one window you have a chair… I sleep wellish. When I get up in the morning and leave I want to capture that time it feels that physical like as if I could “capture it “


(Posted 1/13/2022 by admin)

Jan 12 2022

Jan 12 2022
...I guess so.


(Posted 1/12/2022 by admin)

Jan 11 2021

Jan 11 2021
...The rain was falling way up the canyon. It was clear skies where we were. The lower part of cataract Canyon would be the last place to get the flood. We were evacuated out of the canyon and brought to the town of Supia.
The park put us up in the school for the night. During the nightTyson slipped into my room and molested me while I slept. I woke up during it and defended myself.
The next morning when I approachedThe ride leaders to report my molestation by Tyson their response was to deny it. They said I was making it up. They wanted to know why I would make up such a crazy story about Tyson.

The rest of the ride event was a nightmare. Being called a liar...at best. I
The ride went on the days went on and every night I locked myself somewhere so I could sleep.

The ride ended and we went to our departure point at Las Vegas. While we were waiting two police cars, two state police cars pulled up. They had an Interpol warrant for the arrest of Tyson Sampson and wanted to know where he was. I pointed to his tent. They arrested Tyson right there and cops Read him his rights, stuffed him inside the police Car. Before the state police left Susan ask them what he was being charged with? The state police officer dropped his shades lock Susan right in the eyes and said “rape, he’s being arrested for the rape of his roommate back in The Carolinas.....”

I’m waiting for my apologies for being called a liar.



(Posted 1/11/2022 by admin)

Jan 10 22

Jan 10 22
...Slept in the treehouse last night. I went to bed early. 8 o’clock seems to be my hour. And then I wake up around 8 AM. Bad dreams all night, couldn’t find my cat couldn’t find my mom. Memory loss is so hard to explain to people.
... I told mom I would wait. And I did.
You are a monster in my life. And although you did some brotherly things for me that doesn’t take away the things you did to me, the things that still linger in my mind and keep me awake at night and keep me from getting close to people. You took so much from me that I will never ever get back. You were supposed to be my brother.?


(Posted 1/10/2022 by admin)

Jan. 9 whatever...

Jan. 9 whatever...
....meals....Food...Appetite...

(Posted 1/9/2022 by admin)

Jan 8 2022

Jan 8 2022
...Didn’t sleep last night. My shoulder is really bothering me in my mind keeping me awake. Really tired of living in this depression

(Posted 1/8/2022 by admin)

Jan 7 2022

Jan 7 2022
... Well that’s a lot of snow. And they got it right. Last night I had nightmares glad I don’t remember them this morning. Today marks the last day of the 30 days in a row of the trans cranial magnetic therapy. It’s worth trying I’ve gotten tired of being depressed. 50 years 50 years, if I was to ever kill myself don’t remember the day that I died remember all the days that I didn’t die....

(Posted 1/7/2022 by admin)

Jan 6 3022

Jan 6 3022
... It’s one year since the insurrection. Last night I made the mistake of reading the police report from my incident February of last year where the police beat the living shit out of me. So I had nightmares last night about it, finally. Got up and went for a bike ride… It’s meditative…
Blog Topics-
1. Whatever.
2. Trauma Injuries.
3. No Home.
4. Hardwired Trauma
5. Athletics/ Cycling
6. Racing.
7. Theater.
8. Art.
9. ? Ask me to talk about...
10. Nightterrors
These are repetitive I’m not very good at making lists and sorting


(Posted 1/6/2022 by admin)

Jan 5 2022

Jan 5 2022
... I’m working out with this blog is to me. I’m gonna sit down and make a list of topics that I talk about in limit to that. I’m up in my treehouse, I sleep OK here. Six years when I started down this road a friend of mine gave me a blog or maybe it was a website to look at called “500 days“ Or “I lived in my office for 500 days quote. It was about a office worker who managed to sleep in his shared office for 500 days. Showering at the gym… Eating at restaurants… He was renting out his apartment and living off that money…

(Posted 1/5/2022 by admin)

Jan 3 2022 “...sunset...”

Jan 3 2022 “...sunset...”
... Don’t reply to it or comment on anything first thing in the morning. Before clarity. I made an offhand comment today that a friend made an offhand comment about which led to threats of violence. Watching the movie gravity like a good story. Didn’t sleep well last night…

(Posted 1/4/2022 by admin)

Jan 2 2022

Jan 2 2022
.... I woke up this morning from nightmares. I was out to dinner and he was there, I don’t know why. When I realized it was him I stood up to leave, he stood up to say goodbye, I still don’t know why. He was looking up above me, so I reached down to the table and I poured his bowl of borscht into a seat, he didn’t see me do it. He extended a hand a handshake I said don’t bother. He sat down into his soup. He stood up , I offered to take this outside. I also told him that I was waiting to tell the world the truth about him. About the monster he was when we were kids, and the monster he tried to make me…

(Posted 1/2/2022 by admin)

Jan 01 2022

Jan 01 2022
… Happy new year. Whatever. I’m at my treehouse it’s 9:52 in the morning I went to bed last night around 8pm. Feeling tired from the Covid exposure. Hiding out. It’s January 1, 2022 I am sitting in my treehouse watching night gallery on the television station, thinking about art projects for this year and our projects from last year to finish. Looking forward to finishing the piece about my mom. Look forward to exploring the peace in East rock.Wishing I could ride more…

(Posted 1/1/2022 by admin)

December 31 2021

December 31 2021
...I was just thinking back to the year 1999 and Y2K. It seems like people either gave a shit or didn’t, we’re going to do something or worry. I went with my friend Ellen to Chris Sewlls in Durham,CT.
12 o’clock came and went, nothing Ellen drove me home to 146 Bradley St., New Haven I want to sleep I got up the next morning and made more plans to move into a studio at 39 Church St. just down the hall from Eric Staats I would also leave a job at Baybrook bicycles and starting the devils gear bike shop...


(Posted 12/31/2021 by admin)

Florida xmas

Florida xmas
I’m currently in Florida having the holiday with my sister and her kids. My mom passed away 26 days ago. Every night I go to bed sometime around 3 AM I forget about everything and then when I wake up in the morning I have to relive the day remembering that my mothers died......

(Posted 12/26/2021 by admin)

Fever dreams

Fever dreams
...I wake up most mornings like this but today it was at 3 AM. I have no idea where I was when it was. All I knew that mom and dad were dead and they weren’t coming back…

(Posted 12/19/2021 by admin)

Wednesday Dec.15

Wednesday Dec.15
..... Or it’s a Friday in October. Yesterday I woke up from such a nightmare, absolute madness hell of a nightmare. I got out of bed and slept walk my way through the day. I didn’t know that I could slip to a lower level of depression that I had already been at. Nothing lined up…

(Posted 12/15/2021 by admin)

Monday, December 13

Monday, December 13
Well sure feels like Friday in October. I mean that’s what it’s like like always waking up. I always think it’s a Friday and October 6 years ago seven years ago eight years ago growing. I’m watching the news about the devastation in those tornadoes that sounded more like hurricanes my heart goes out to those folks. I’ve been sleeping longer which is good. I’ve been talking lessWhich is good for my throat. I’m going to ton of physical therapy this week and I’d love to get in for an MRI and find out what’s going on with my shoulder.

(Posted 12/13/2021 by admin)

Day-O Dee Day-O

Day-O Dee Day-O
Well today was weird as ever. But to talk about

(Posted 12/12/2021 by admin)

Day 3 Again....

Day 3 Again....
Hi yeah it’s me again I’m still playing with this book in the movie blog. Still trying to figure out the technical end I have a very interesting story to tell yes it’s the story of my life but well if you stick around I’m sure you’re gonna find it very interesting. I haven’t had so many people say “your book in a movie “because I have a doll life. No I am the opposite, weirdness greatness lonelinessSeem to follow me around in a retracted to me…

(Posted 12/11/2021 by admin)

New Entry

New Entry
Day three of six years of waking up like this. At first I don’t know where I am what year it is and then I look over at my wall and start reading about my life and what I’ve been doing since the crash and since the explosion in Trinity building.

(Posted 12/11/2021 by admin)

New Entry

New Entry
Day 2
Well this is weird blog in an entry or blog in a movie or a book in the movie. Life’s pretty funny what life throws at you.


(Posted 12/10/2021 by admin)