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> ...a Book and a Movie

...a Book and a Movie

...a Book and a Movie
Hi
My entire life I’ve been interviewed For the newspapers for one reason or another or while living in New Haven I was the subject of a Yale professor who would certain students in to interview me every semester for 10 years. Over that time over the time of my life people are constantly said to me that I am a book and a movie....
The circumstances of the last couple weeks make me think I should start here is maybe a blog and a movie


Jan 25 2022...

Jan 25 2022...
....He was standing at a bus stop in New Haven. Why wouldn’t he be?
That’s where I would always see him first, back in High School.
When I moved back to New Haven I never expected him to be living here.

I was sitting in the middle of the bus, end of the day at school. I was trying to hide. Jerry sat down next to me and sort of pinned me to the wall. I was a little kid, he was a bigger kid. He put his books down in my lap, and then put his hand under his books…

? When presented with someone’s horrific truth, why is it so easy for people to believe the bully?


(Posted 1/25/2022 by admin)

Jan 24 2022

Jan 24 2022
... So I have walking pneumonia.
Well that’s what Google says.
But 10 out of 10 on your symptoms chart that can’t be good.…
I went to bed last night with Vicks vapor rub on my chest...


(Posted 1/24/2022 by admin)

Jan 22 2022...Georgia on my mind

Jan 22 2022...Georgia on my mind
...I was dreaming, we were deep in the swamps of Georgia. We were scrambling from One little island to island of trees that were spaced about 5 feet apart. My little brother and I, moving gracefully through the thickets and thorns and hopping Island Island effortlessly...
We were in pursuit of Shonto, she had escaped.
She was being more playful than anything, and just as we were about to catch her Mark and got my attention and pointed to another animal just behind Shonto...
It was a small little squirrel like animal that was moving along with Shonto whenever she moved. It was a little animal made up of vines and twigs and twisted shoots yet was a little animal...

Odd, this really happened.


(Posted 1/22/2022 by admin)

Jan 21 2022....Dream Scape

Jan 21 2022....Dream Scape
...Last night I had the most incredible dream. I was running up along the banks of a large river with my brother Mark.
We were running on the banks following a massive school of fish that we’re Swimming upstream.
Mark dove in and was effortlessly swimming with them keeping stride. I followed, powerfully swimming with the huge school of fish.
At one point we jumped up on a damn out of the water, as we did the fish became birds. They were big like swans but more muscular and very colorful and swimming like dolphins in a huge pod still moving upstream. We dove back in and followed.
Then,Of course, we looked up the river and there was a car coming towards us. The driver was sitting in the sunroof floating with the vehicle. He threw something at Mark and yelled some sort of obscene gesture. To which my brother laughed and threw him a bird, literally. The car driver got more vulgar. I stopped swimming and turned around. His car got stuck in a gyre, the red light of rivers. I swam towards his car as it spun in the gyre and every time it went around I did something else to it, first I took off its windshield wipers and it’s windows then it’s mirrors, the driver screaming the whole time. My little brother was just laughing…

...Mark and I were mauled by the same dog. The neighbors dog. We both have scars on our faces from it. They took the dog out back and shot it in the head…


(Posted 1/21/2022 by admin)

Jan 20 2022 PreBed...

Jan 20 2022 PreBed...
...A loss so great the mind bulks at attempts to measure it...

I had a seizure February 2 of last year. Tracy called 911 because I was in convulsion in her living room.
The fire ambulance first responders came in and I’m not sure what happened but they set me off.
I defended myself not knowing what was going on. I became combative and the fireman withdrew and called the police
The police came and beat the shit out of me, then they backed off and called for back up.
Then the seven of them pig piled on me and hit me with two doses of something. I woke up in the ER handcuffed to the bed...
I don’t recall any of it other than walking into Tracy‘s house that morning.
But what ever went on my head must’ve gotten hit somehow where I have absolute clarity about some absolutely traumatic events that my young mind had buried…


(Posted 1/20/2022 by admin)

Jan 20 2022

Jan 20 2022
...jello 1-2-3.
If it’s an illness I can get it, or I will get it.
Have you ever met someone that has never been sick?
.. On the other guy, the guy that always gets sick. If it’s an illness it’s happened to me if I can break it I’ve snapped it.
If it can be pushed through me scraped off of me burned off of me…


(Posted 1/20/2022 by admin)

Jan 19 2022 Again

Jan 19 2022 Again
... of the reasons I moved back here from Austin was to make apologies.
My Moral fabric on the subject of theft and ownership were very blurred.
I came back with $600 in a white envelope. It was for the owner of the
The Daily Cafe, Steve Shapiro. While I had worked there I definitely spiked my tip jar, and gave away more than my fair share of free coffee. Petty , but it was still theft, and it was from somebody I called friend.
I approached him one day with the envelope in handAnd gave it to him. He asked what it was for and I explained to him that I had been a thief in his business...
...Steve pushed the envelope back in my hands and gave me a big hug. He said just my admission was good enough and that I could use the money more than him....

Which was true.


(Posted 1/19/2022 by admin)

Jan 19 2022

Jan 19 2022
...It’s my oldest memories. Not sleeping.
I haven’t slept well since I was eight years old, because I had had so much physical and emotional trauma by then
That sleep was something my brain couldn’t do. Very anxiety ridden…


(Posted 1/19/2022 by admin)

Jan 18 2022

Jan 18 2022
? How are these little kids getting fentanyl?
...It was pretty funny. Looking back. And in the moment. That moment you realize adults might not know everything.
They weren’t yet called special Ed classes or special education. They were just this room you went to for a couple hours every day. This was at Academy Street, the teacher was Mrs. O’Rourke, she was a angel. I had been going there for a couple months in fourth grade when they wanted to have a meeting with my parents about my “speech impediment “. They arranged a meeting and my mom came in and as soon as my Mom spoke Mrs. O’Rourke chuckledto her self realizing it wasn’t a speech in pediment that I had , but I had an accent…
Mom = Newport
Dad = NYNY
Add that up....


(Posted 1/18/2022 by admin)

Jan 17 2022 Plane...

Jan 17 2022 Plane...
...We were all down in Philly or maybe it was New Jersey. But it was one of these stupidly expensive trips with the entire crew of the devils gear arranged by DK for us to go spend a weekend confirming what we already knew, we are all great mechanics. We do not need to be st a stupid tools seminar....

...At the end of the second day we were all going up on the elevator and when we got to the top floor and got out I tapped Scott on the shoulder and pointed towards the overlook with my chin. We were 14 flights up with a huge open atrium area. I had a paper airplane that I had made at dinner. I let it go and it’s circled in blue and dark dropped and dove dived and climbed and circle back around 6 times perfectly , before it landed right by the grand piano...


(Posted 1/17/2022 by admin)

Jan 17 2022

Jan 17 2022
Happy Martin Luther King day.
... Norma was my godmother. She had been my mother’s best friend. Her husband Alan was my godfather.
I couldn’t ask for two better people to be around me as a child. Norma was always very encouraging of me and comforting and caring.
Norma also warned me that I was a shining light and that would attract both good and bad people… She was very right


(Posted 1/17/2022 by admin)

Jan 15 2022

Jan 15 2022
... Did you know they’re still prosecuting the people who reported Anne Frank and her family to the Nazis?
Good, I hope they do.

This has never just been a “family issue”.
I wish it was I could toss it aside.
But it isn’t, it’s a public issue. Because if I’m in public far too often far too frequently
Someone comes up to me and wants to hold me accountable for something you did.
Or at best, they want to thank me for holding you accountable…

Right after the fumbled apology attempt at the funeral parlor, and I came back to New Haven,
New Haven, my city, I can say that, some ass clown from your high school days wanted to hold me accountable
for something you did to him.....
I directed him your way.


(Posted 1/15/2022 by admin)

Jan 14 2022 Part IIII

Jan 14 2022 Part IIII
.... I’m not perfect not by any measure. I’ll tell you more about that later...
I know you would think that I keep bringing this back up , That’s because it hasn’t been resolved.
For yourself or for me.
It was a clumsy attempt at an apology 18 some odd years ago through the copied email.
And then the hastily arranged meeting at the funeral of my Aunt on so quickly arranged in the side room. It was awkward at best
You chose to lie when you took my hand, and then I asked you a second question just to check, which you told the truth too. Because it wasn’t about abusing me. As soon as I walked out of that room I walked up and Diana shamed me flat out shamed me with a finger in my face at a funeral for my aunt. She told me I was to be held accountable for everything and that everything was my fault and had been my fault…


And well I’m not even really sure what went on with the invitation to the wedding. The saddest part of that is that I’m sorry it involves Lauren. That’s my deepest regret.

But it’s not like a nightmare that wakes me up at night like the shit you did to me does.


(Posted 1/14/2022 by admin)

Jan 14 2022 Part III

Jan 14 2022 Part III
... An apology.
It’s like several parts to be correct and for it to be For-filling and releasing for both parties.
First, there’s the confrontation if you will. “You did X to me “.
Second, if you’re lucky there’s the acknowledgment. “You’re right I did X to you”.
Great! Doesn’t always go like that. More on that later.
Third, there is the ask for forgiveness, “I’m sorry I did thatX , can you forgive me? “.
Fourth, the acceptance. “ Yes, I forgive you. “

Easy Peezy lemon squeezy.Right?

Thing is you can’t go back to doing what X was after you’ve apologized....
In any way shape or form because it sets me for one right back to zero dude.
I’ll show you a fucking drama queen...

I’m just telling the stories. And I’ve remembered them all.…


(Posted 1/14/2022 by admin)

Jan 14 2022 Part II

Jan 14 2022 Part II
... I guess you really need to understand my lack of “emotional base”. Real honest to goodness base.
When I was three I fell down a flight of stairs in Middletown Connecticut. They put me in the hospital in traction for two weeks as a baby, more on that later. And then they put me in a body cast for three months as a baby. No sooner did I come out of that but I was mauled in the face and head by a dog, our neighbors dog. More on that later.

One of my psychiatrist has said that that is so hard wired in me that it’s shocking to him that I’m as normal as I am.

My first school exposure was a year early. I’m from a big family and my older sister is only one year older then me. The school system wanted to put us both in kindergarten at the same time, but separate classes. I cried my eyes out. Chuckie came over and beat me up for being a crybaby. They took me out of school the next day.

The following year When they put me back in kindergarten it was still very traumatic. So I cried and Clayton Dana came over and beat me up for being a crybaby…

School was very difficult for me it was the early 70s…


(Posted 1/14/2022 by admin)

Jan 14 2022

Jan 14 2022
...I was stupid. That’s all I really knew. Everyone in my life kept telling me I was stupid from his early as I can remember. I get hurt, I was stupid. I’d break something, I was stupid. When I started going to school and doing poorly, I was stupid I mean they just kept telling me I was stupid all the way through school. They took away Art classes left right and center and replace them with English classes and math classes because those were the things I failed. Stupid. My guidance counselor that was no help. They should’ve seen that I liked art they should’ve seen that I liked cycling they might’ve encouraged me to take some business classes. They pretty much just told to pick up a shovel…

I guess...


(Posted 1/14/2022 by admin)

Jan 13 2022

Jan 13 2022
“... when I travel, I travel by Blue Highway, I stay in cheap cheap motels, I can’t help myself but take the clock radio in the morning when I leave…”
… I don’t sleep well. This has been my whole life, or this has been my whole life. Don’t be insulted please if I’ve stayed at your house,, I just don’t sleep well in places that I can’t controlThe points of entry. Cheap motels on back roads you have one door and one window you have a chair… I sleep wellish. When I get up in the morning and leave I want to capture that time it feels that physical like as if I could “capture it “


(Posted 1/13/2022 by admin)

Jan 12 2022

Jan 12 2022
...I guess so.


(Posted 1/12/2022 by admin)

Jan 11 2021

Jan 11 2021
...The rain was falling way up the canyon. It was clear skies where we were. The lower part of cataract Canyon would be the last place to get the flood. We were evacuated out of the canyon and brought to the town of Supia.
The park put us up in the school for the night. During the nightTyson slipped into my room and molested me while I slept. I woke up during it and defended myself.
The next morning when I approachedThe ride leaders to report my molestation by Tyson their response was to deny it. They said I was making it up. They wanted to know why I would make up such a crazy story about Tyson.

The rest of the ride event was a nightmare. Being called a liar...at best. I
The ride went on the days went on and every night I locked myself somewhere so I could sleep.

The ride ended and we went to our departure point at Las Vegas. While we were waiting two police cars, two state police cars pulled up. They had an Interpol warrant for the arrest of Tyson Sampson and wanted to know where he was. I pointed to his tent. They arrested Tyson right there and cops Read him his rights, stuffed him inside the police Car. Before the state police left Susan ask them what he was being charged with? The state police officer dropped his shades lock Susan right in the eyes and said “rape, he’s being arrested for the rape of his roommate back in The Carolinas.....”

I’m waiting for my apologies for being called a liar.



(Posted 1/11/2022 by admin)

Jan 10 22

Jan 10 22
...Slept in the treehouse last night. I went to bed early. 8 o’clock seems to be my hour. And then I wake up around 8 AM. Bad dreams all night, couldn’t find my cat couldn’t find my mom. Memory loss is so hard to explain to people.
... I told mom I would wait. And I did.
You are a monster in my life. And although you did some brotherly things for me that doesn’t take away the things you did to me, the things that still linger in my mind and keep me awake at night and keep me from getting close to people. You took so much from me that I will never ever get back. You were supposed to be my brother.?


(Posted 1/10/2022 by admin)

Jan. 9 whatever...

Jan. 9 whatever...
....meals....Food...Appetite...

(Posted 1/9/2022 by admin)

Jan 8 2022

Jan 8 2022
...Didn’t sleep last night. My shoulder is really bothering me in my mind keeping me awake. Really tired of living in this depression

(Posted 1/8/2022 by admin)

Jan 7 2022

Jan 7 2022
... Well that’s a lot of snow. And they got it right. Last night I had nightmares glad I don’t remember them this morning. Today marks the last day of the 30 days in a row of the trans cranial magnetic therapy. It’s worth trying I’ve gotten tired of being depressed. 50 years 50 years, if I was to ever kill myself don’t remember the day that I died remember all the days that I didn’t die....

(Posted 1/7/2022 by admin)

Jan 6 3022

Jan 6 3022
... It’s one year since the insurrection. Last night I made the mistake of reading the police report from my incident February of last year where the police beat the living shit out of me. So I had nightmares last night about it, finally. Got up and went for a bike ride… It’s meditative…
Blog Topics-
1. Abuse by Sibling.
2. Trauma Injuries.
3. No Home.
4. Hardwired Trauma
5. Athletics/ Cycling
6. Racing.
7. Theater.
8. Art.
9. ? Ask me to talk about...


These are repetitive I’m not very good at making lists and sorting


(Posted 1/6/2022 by admin)

Jan 5 2022

Jan 5 2022
... I’m working out with this blog is to me. I’m gonna sit down and make a list of topics that I talk about in limit to that. I’m up in my treehouse, I sleep OK here. Six years when I started down this road a friend of mine gave me a blog or maybe it was a website to look at called “500 days“ Or “I lived in my office for 500 days quote. It was about a office worker who managed to sleep in his shared office for 500 days. Showering at the gym… Eating at restaurants… He was renting out his apartment and living off that money…

(Posted 1/5/2022 by admin)

Jan 3 2022 “...sunset...”

Jan 3 2022 “...sunset...”
... Don’t reply to it or comment on anything first thing in the morning. Before clarity. I made an offhand comment today that a friend made an offhand comment about which led to threats of violence. Watching the movie gravity like a good story. Didn’t sleep well last night…

(Posted 1/4/2022 by admin)

Jan 2 2022

Jan 2 2022
.... I woke up this morning from nightmares. I was out to dinner and he was there, I don’t know why. When I realized it was him I stood up to leave, he stood up to say goodbye, I still don’t know why. He was looking up above me, so I reached down to the table and I poured his bowl of borscht into a seat, he didn’t see me do it. He extended a hand a handshake I said don’t bother. He sat down into his soup. He stood up , I offered to take this outside. I also told him that I was waiting to tell the world the truth about him. About the monster he was when we were kids, and the monster he tried to make me…

(Posted 1/2/2022 by admin)

Jan 01 2022

Jan 01 2022
… Happy new year. Whatever. I’m at my treehouse it’s 9:52 in the morning I went to bed last night around 8pm. Feeling tired from the Covid exposure. Hiding out. It’s January 1, 2022 I am sitting in my treehouse watching night gallery on the television station, thinking about art projects for this year and our projects from last year to finish. Looking forward to finishing the piece about my mom. Look forward to exploring the peace in East rock.Wishing I could ride more…

(Posted 1/1/2022 by admin)

December 31 2021

December 31 2021
...I was just thinking back to the year 1999 and Y2K. It seems like people either gave a shit or didn’t, we’re going to do something or worry. I went with my friend Ellen to Chris Sewlls in Durham,CT.
12 o’clock came and went, nothing Ellen drove me home to 146 Bradley St., New Haven I want to sleep I got up the next morning and made more plans to move into a studio at 39 Church St. just down the hall from Eric Staats I would also leave a job at Baybrook bicycles and starting the devils gear bike shop...


(Posted 12/31/2021 by admin)

Florida xmas

Florida xmas
I’m currently in Florida having the holiday with my sister and her kids. My mom passed away 26 days ago. Every night I go to bed sometime around 3 AM I forget about everything and then when I wake up in the morning I have to relive the day remembering that my mothers died......

(Posted 12/26/2021 by admin)

Fever dreams

Fever dreams
...I wake up most mornings like this but today it was at 3 AM. I have no idea where I was when it was. All I knew that mom and dad were dead and they weren’t coming back…

(Posted 12/19/2021 by admin)

Wednesday Dec.15

Wednesday Dec.15
..... Or it’s a Friday in October. Yesterday I woke up from such a nightmare, absolute madness hell of a nightmare. I got out of bed and slept walk my way through the day. I didn’t know that I could slip to a lower level of depression that I had already been at. Nothing lined up…

(Posted 12/15/2021 by admin)

Monday, December 13

Monday, December 13
Well sure feels like Friday in October. I mean that’s what it’s like like always waking up. I always think it’s a Friday and October 6 years ago seven years ago eight years ago growing. I’m watching the news about the devastation in those tornadoes that sounded more like hurricanes my heart goes out to those folks. I’ve been sleeping longer which is good. I’ve been talking lessWhich is good for my throat. I’m going to ton of physical therapy this week and I’d love to get in for an MRI and find out what’s going on with my shoulder.

(Posted 12/13/2021 by admin)

Day-O Dee Day-O

Day-O Dee Day-O
Well today was weird as ever. But to talk about

(Posted 12/12/2021 by admin)

Day 3 Again....

Day 3 Again....
Hi yeah it’s me again I’m still playing with this book in the movie blog. Still trying to figure out the technical end I have a very interesting story to tell yes it’s the story of my life but well if you stick around I’m sure you’re gonna find it very interesting. I haven’t had so many people say “your book in a movie “because I have a doll life. No I am the opposite, weirdness greatness lonelinessSeem to follow me around in a retracted to me…

(Posted 12/11/2021 by admin)

New Entry

New Entry
Day three of six years of waking up like this. At first I don’t know where I am what year it is and then I look over at my wall and start reading about my life and what I’ve been doing since the crash and since the explosion in Trinity building.

(Posted 12/11/2021 by admin)

New Entry

New Entry
Day 2
Well this is weird blog in an entry or blog in a movie or a book in the movie. Life’s pretty funny what life throws at you.


(Posted 12/10/2021 by admin)